


alive

by aelescribe



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-18
Updated: 2016-05-18
Packaged: 2018-06-09 03:43:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6888556
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aelescribe/pseuds/aelescribe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“You’re here.” Lapis grasps her hand like she’s dying-- she is, isn’t she? “You saved me.”</p><p>Lapis lets herself succumb to weakness. She lets herself be needy in this one, fatal moment. It’s more than she deserves.</p>
            </blockquote>





	alive

**Author's Note:**

> This was written almost a year ago, before Peridot redemption, and a ton of other stuff. I just added on as the year continued. Partly based off an old theory that Pearl used to serve Lapis in the Blue Diamond court (one of the snippets in here is published separately as a standalone oneshot). This is just one big mixed bag of pearlapis goodness.

It’s night time. Lapis is curled on the couch, a blanket draped over her still form. She’s resting to conserve her energy. She’s choosing to heal the hard way, for fear that if she retreats to her gem, she’ll never get out. Besides, she doesn’t think this is something that can be healed through physical rejuvenation. She’s weak, at the mercy of the Crystal Gems.  
  
That might be an exaggeration. They’ve been awkward but accommodating, all thanks to Steven. Lapis doesn’t care. She doesn’t want anything to do with them. Especially when they’re being kind. It makes it harder for her to despise them. This is especially true with one Gem in particular.  
  
Lapis enjoys night because Steven is asleep and she’s alone with her thoughts. It allows her to groan and rant and cry to herself. She doesn’t want to burden Steven with these issues. She’ll wait for the cover of dark to let her emotions flood out.  
  
This night, it’s a little too much, and catches attention. Lapis is hunched over on the couch below Steven’s loft, blanket discarded. She sits cross legged, clutching her head with her hands, bitter moans escaping her. All she can think of is the forceful current of the ocean, pulling her, choking her, drowning her-  
  
A hand on her shoulder is all it takes to snap her from the daze. Pearl is there, looking unsure of what to do. They stare at each other for a few moments. Lapis seizes her wrist harshly. “Why are you here? Watching me? Can’t trust me enough to be left alone?”  
  
“Hardly,” says Pearl with a wince. “I was about to make some tea, and you were… I wanted to help.”  
  
“You’ve done plenty to _help,_ ” hisses the blue Gem, accentuating her anger by twisting the appendage in her grasp.  
  
“Lapis, stop!” she grits out.  
  
“Why don’t you _make_ me?” She twists harder, bends it back farther, and Pearl’s eyes narrow to slits. She grabs Lapis’ own wrist and uses all her weight to pin her back to the couch; then finally, finally, wrenches her hand free.  
  
“You’re ridiculous!” Pearl snaps.  
  
Lapis sticks out her tongue. “No, you are.”  
  
“No, you-” Pearl sighs. She seems to realize what she’s doing. “Forget it.”  
  
She climbs off Lapis and goes to the kitchen. The edge of her headache fades, leaving a dull buzz in her brain. She thinks she liked Pearl pressing her down, snapping her from her daze. It grounded her, if only for a moment. She needs something like that again. “What are you doing?”  
  
“As I stated earlier, I’m making tea. If you stop acting so foolish, I may make you some as well.”  
  
“How gracious of you,” Lapis drawls, flopping back onto the couch. She doesn’t even know what tea is. But maybe trying it won’t be so bad. Any distraction is welcome at this point. Speaking of distractions…  
  
She goes into the kitchen, leaning heavily against the counter. Next to her, two cups have little strings coming out of them. She peers inside to see the strings are attached to a small bag of spices. She watches Pearl bustle about, staring at Lapis from the corner of her eye, suspicious.  
  
“I’m not going to grab you again.” Lapis assures her.  
  
Pearl doesn’t seem to believe her, and Lapis isn’t sure she believes herself, but they both let it go. “I suppose it’s only fair.” She grabs a pot of scalding water, hovering it over two prepared mugs. Lapis flicks her wrist, sending the water down into the cups with ease and to avoid a spill. Pearl stares at her with brief surprise and then nods in thanks. She grabs a jar from one of the cupboards and scoops up something sticky and golden, dropping it into one of the cups. “I think you might enjoy it if it’s a bit sweeter.”  
  
She leaves the spoon in her cup for Lapis to stir. It tangles with the tea bag’s string and she struggles to remove it from the cup. “No, no,” Pearl chides her. “You have to let it steep before you drink it.”  
  
“That sounds stupid.”  
  
“And you’ll burn your tongue if it doesn’t cool.” She snatches Lapis’ cup away and sets it next to her own.  
  
Lapis shrugs and leans back against the counter. “A burn isn’t so bad.”  
  
“Contrary to what you may think, I care about your well being.”  
  
A smirk tugs at the edge of her lips. “That’s why you were pushing me down on the couch?”  
  
Pearl crosses her arms. “Are we really having this conversation? _You_ started it. Stop being so childish.”  
  
Lapis frowns. In the silence as they wait for their tea, the buzzing returns. Dark thoughts bounce around her head. She rubs her eyes, hard, as if that could wipe away her thoughts. “Lapis?” Pearl holds her mug out to her, face full of concern.  
  
“What?” she bites.  
  
“Your… nevermind,” Pearl shakes her head and presses the tea into Lapis’ hands. “Your eyes…”  
  
“What about them?”  
  
“They looked, er, strange, that’s all.”  
  
Lapis has no idea what Pearl’s talking about so she doesn’t reply. Pearl has already removed the tea bag, allowing for easy stirring. She takes a tentative sip of the tea. It’s bitter, but there’s a hint of sweetness that makes it worthwhile. “It’s not terrible,” she says, taking another sip. She’s getting used to the taste, now.  
  
Pearl smiles, staring at her mug as if it held a fond memory. “It’s one of my favorite things. There’s things I don’t like about this planet, but the good far outnumbers the bad.”  
  
Lapis is quiet. She’s listening for the buzz. It’s all but faded. The longer she talks to Pearl the more it’s alleviated. “What… what else do you like about Earth?” she prompts. She needs someone to talk to, she needs to talk to Pearl and keep the buzzing out of her head.  
  
Pearl looks startled at the question. She hums as she mulls it over. “There’s some beautiful architecture. A bit primitive, perhaps, but pleasing overall. There are also some wonderful authors! Books I could pore over for hours…” The list goes on. Lapis listens, not so much to hear about Earth, but to hear Pearl talk. And talk and talk and talk...  
  
She doesn’t realize how long they’ve been chatting until she sees the sun breaking through a soft, violet dawn. Pearl looks, too, and laughs a bit. “Well, that was quite a talk.” Lapis nods. She hasn’t spoken in a few hours, opting to let the other Gem ramble on. Pearl’s content smile fades into worry. “Oh, I’m sorry- I’ve been boring you all this time. Come on, if you wanted to rest, you should’ve just said so…”  
  
She guides her to the couch and Lapis doesn’t have the heart to correct her. Just accepts the kindness and lies down, sinking into the cushions. Pearl’s voice rings through her mind and drowns out the buzzing.  
  
A few nights later, it happens again. Her head is killing her. She shivers and whines through her teeth, the sound coming out a desperate whistle. She hears footsteps, knows who it is before the hand is on her shoulder. She grips her arm tight enough to bruise as she rides out another wave of pain. She’s not sinking, she’s not a part of that fusion anymore, she’s not in danger, but she’s still in so much pain.  
  
“Lapis,” Pearl says in a warning tone.  
  
“ _What_ ?”  
  
“Your eyes,” Pearl says, reminiscent of the other night. “They… they look like they did when your gem was cracked.”  
  
Lapis bolts upright, frantically reaching for the gem on her back, trying to make sure it’s still in one piece. “Is it-?”  
  
Pearl lays a hand over her gem and she shudders. “No. No, it’s fine.”  
  
Lapis lets her hands fall to her sides, clenching into fists. “What’s wrong with me?” she mutters. She’s not looking for an answer, but it would be nice to have one. She remembers Pearl is still there, still touching her, and she brushes her off. “Go away.” She’s blaming her. There’s no reason for it, but it doesn’t matter.  
  
“I’m only trying to help you, Lapis,” Pearl says, sighing in exasperation.  
  
“You’ve done enough! I hate you!” Lapis spits. “Don’t you hate me, too?”  
  
Silence stretches between them. “No,” she says at last. “I don’t hate you.”  
  
That makes everything worse. Lapis doesn’t know what to say, so she storms off. She can’t handle this. If only Pearl hated her, like she did, refusing her would be so much easier. If they only hated each other with no sign of redemption. But, she supposes, it couldn’t happen. Not then, not now.  
  
.~*~.  
  
Lapis shouldn’t be here. Sneaking into the enemy’s camp. Not to negotiate or betray her home, of course, but to see her. All she wants is to see her. Talk her out of this. It’s far too foolish a cause to risk her life for. Her eyes dart around the dark site, searching for any signs of life. She draws the shawl around her tighter, shivering at the cold. It’s then that she’s taken by surprise, knocked over from behind, a blade pressed to her throat.  
  
“State your name and intention,” the voice snarls.  
  
Lapis springs to her feet and tackles the figure back, shoving them to the ground. They scuffle until, at last, the assailant knocks Lapis off her feet again and pins her down with the full weight of her body. She’s scrawny but strong. Lapis pushes the blade off her throat and gasps in surprise. “Pearl!”  
  
Pearl blinks, trying to make out her face in the darkness. “Oh, my- Lady Lazuli!” She bows her head, hastening to remove herself.  
  
“I told you not to call me that,” Lapis sighs in exaggeration.  
  
“Apologies. Force of habit.”  
  
Lapis adjusts her shawl and gives a small smile. “It’s good to see you again, I suppose.”  
  
Pearl nods. She looks embarrassed, now, at her mistake. “I… didn’t think you’d be here. You’ve come to join, then?”  
  
“Join you?” Lapis laughs at the notion. “Of course not! I’m here to take you back with me.”  
  
Pearl forces a laugh. “Well, that’s unfortunate. I’m not leaving.”  
  
Lapis crosses her arms. Just like Pearl to be so stubborn. “Come, now, Pearl. You know you’ll be killed if you keep this tirade up any longer. If you come back with me, you can redeem yourself. I’ll make sure you’re spared.”  
  
She grabs her hand, starts to pull her along, but Pearl resists. “I’m not leaving,” she repeats. “I mean it. I’m going to fight for this planet.”  
  
Lapis narrows her eyes. “This dull hunk of rock? I think we both you know you’re not fighting for a single being on this planet, besides _her_ .”  
  
“That’s not fair, Lapis.”  
  
“I won’t let her do this! She can’t lead you into battle, into death- She’s no longer a Diamond, but I certainly am. I can protect you! What has she promised you that I can’t give?”  
  
“Lapis, I’m not your Pearl anymore,” she says softly, eyes downcast.  
  
“I don’t care about that!” Lapis yells. “I thought you were my friend!”  
  
Pearl says nothing. She keeps her gaze lowered. “I have something to fight for, now, Lapis. I have things I care about. Not just Rose. Friends. Comrades. Companions. You know, you would be more than welcome among our ranks! With you on our side, there’s no way we can’t win!”  
  
“Is that all?” Lapis’ tone has a bitter edge. “Trying to recruit me?”  
  
Pearl fiddles with her shawl, wrapping it tighter around her, and takes her hand. “It would be an honor to fight alongside you, Lapis.”  
  
This is all wrong. Pearl’s delusional. She can’t seriously think she’s going to fight - she can’t seriously think she’s going to win! She’s been brainwashed, bewitched, seduced into the cause. She yanks her hand away and tries to ignore the burning in her eyes. “I hope you can come to your senses about this before you do something you regret. Because I won’t be around to help you then.” She rips the shawl off her shoulders and tosses it at Pearl. “A keepsake… To bring you to your senses. Soon you’ll see that I was right.”  
  
Lapis runs back to the Galaxy Warp in angry tears. She can hear Pearl calling after her. She doesn’t care. Pearl can die right now, for all she cares. She’s lost the only person she ever considered a friend. Maybe friend isn’t the right word. Something stronger. Closer.  
  
It doesn’t matter, now. She’ll never see her again. And good riddance.  
  
.~*~.  
  
Lapis paces up and down the beach, alone. She refuses anyone’s attempts to talk to her, but that crumbles when Steven finds her. He sits next to her. He’s silent, not prying, but willing to listen. Lapis lets out a slow sigh.  
  
“Are you okay?”  
  
“No.” Absolutely nothing’s okay, and she doesn’t know if it will ever be okay again.  
  
“Pearl wants to help,” he says. “I want to help, too. Is there something I can do?”  
  
She shakes her head. “No.” It’s sweet of him to care so much. Lapis gives him a smile that doesn’t quite reach her eyes, ruffling his curly hair. “Thanks, though.”  
  
Steven swirls patterns in the sand with the tip of his finger. “Can I ask a question?”  
  
She shrugs.  
  
He continues, “Why were you in the mirror in the first place?”  
  
Lapis rubs her head. She feels the buzzing coming again, but pushes it down, trying to focus on Steven. “It was all blurry for a while. I think I have it sorted out, now, though. I…” She doesn’t want to say anything about how she and Pearl were acquainted. “I went to Rose Quartz’s base camp on Earth. I tried to talk someone dear to me out of fighting. She was too determined to listen to me. I returned to my planet on the Galaxy Warp, and… they declared me a traitor. I only went to talk to her--”  
  
She gets caught up in her emotions, clutching a hand to her chest. It’s like she’s reliving it all over again. It became much clearer after Steven healed her gem, but it’s become muddled again from the toll of forming Malachite. “Anyway… I was sealed away because they thought I was a spy. They thought the monarch was corrupted. They tried to use me against Rose Quartz, make me show them her base, but I couldn’t… no, I wouldn’t show them. So they made sure I couldn’t escape the mirror and threw me away. Then, I was stuck in the mirror until… until you found me.”  
  
Steven rests his hands on his knees, brow wrinkled. “That’s… some heavy stuff.”  
  
Lapis is used to terrible things happening, but hearing herself lay it all out makes it seem so much worse. “Yeah. Sorry I’m such a drag.”  
  
Steven shakes his head vehemently and draws Lapis into a hug. She holds him tight. They stay like that for a while, and the static in her head fades to white noise and, finally, is lost in silence to the soft lapping of waves against the shore.  
  
.~*~.  
  
Lapis lets her feet rest in the shallow water for just a moment before kicking up a storm. She laughs as the spray cascades over the sides of the fountain, dripping onto the cobblestone. With a giggle, she slides in and submerges herself completely.  
  
It’s not a deep fountain. But it’s deep enough for her to surround herself with water, to let the tiny waves muffle the call of the world. Her feet stick out of the water, toes exposed to the cold, night air, while the rest of her remains beneath the surface.  
  
She lays there, staring at a bright blue moon casting a glow over the water until it is obstructed by shadow. The concern she’s met with makes her laugh again, releasing a stream of bubbles from her mouth.  
  
A hand reaches for hers in the water. She takes it.  
  
Lapis is greeted by her servant and a warm shawl. She flicks off excess droplets into the fountain and pulls the cozy around her shoulders with a smile. It’s dark blue, embroidered with flecks of gold. “You always know how to please me, Pearl.”  
  
Pearl smiles a thin smile. “It is your favorite.” She rests a hand on Lapis’ elbow and gently guides her back inside. “You shouldn’t be up so late, you know.”  
  
“Why? Because it’s harder for you to keep track of me this way?”  
  
“That’s part of it, yes.”  
  
Lapis wraps the garb tighter around her shoulders. It carries an aroma that’s distinctly Pearl. “Too bad I like making you chase me down too much to stop.”  
  
Pearl rolls her eyes fondly.  
  
They return to Lapis’ room. Rest isn’t something necessary to her well-being this instant, but due to her status, she’s allowed such luxuries. Her servant turns to leave and Lapis catches her wrist. “Stay,” she insists. “Just for tonight.”  
  
Her posture tenses. “I have other duties.”  
  
“Let them be.”  
  
“Is this an order?”  
  
“If it has to be.”  
  
Pearl relents and enters her room. As often as she can, she’ll pull Pearl beside her to relax. She’s always running around, always working, always doing something. Lapis just wants to see her still, if only for a while.  
  
The shawl still around her shoulders, she settles into the bed over the covers. Pearl is hesitant as she lies down beside her. Lapis reaches out, tentative, to cradle her face. “This is highly inappropriate,” observes Pearl. Of course. They two couldn’t be further apart in terms of societal stance.  
  
Lapis traces her finger around the shape of Pearl’s gem. “I don’t care.”  
  
They stay there for hours. It’s somewhat of a tradition between them, to do this. When they first met, it was awkward. Pearl never spoke, only nodded and kept her eyes cast down in fear. It took years and years for her to even begin addressing Lapis on her own.  
  
Lapis had enough to deal with people being scared of her. She wanted someone she could trust, someone to talk to without worry. Someone like a friend. She isn’t sure if that was the right to describe their relationship, but that’s not important.  
  
They spend the night staring at each other, talking softly, hands linked together. Pearl is the one to insist that she leave for her duties, now, and Lapis lets her with a sigh. She buries her face in the shawl, hoping to catch Pearl’s lingering scent as she drifts back into a lazy slumber.  
  
**.~*~.**  
  
Lapis is starting to hate night. Night is when her thoughts are most persistent. Steven’s asleep, but it’s getting harder to keep it that way, with the way her head causes her pain. She wonders if Pearl will find her. Half of her hopes she does, and the other half hopes she never has to see Pearl again.  
  
The buzzing is louder, now. Unintelligible phrases mashed up and spat out, bouncing around her head. She lays on the couch, hands pressed over her eyes. They feel hard, like glass. And so easy to break…  
  
Pearl brings her back to Earth. Two hands gripping hers, touch drowning out the noise. “What are you doing?” Lapis chokes out, squinting at her in the darkness. Pearl is leaning against her waist, her body twisted at an angle, pinning her arms above her head.  
  
“You…” Pearl looks flustered. But she doesn’t move. “You were having a fit.”  
  
Lapis looks away. “It’s hard. I keep forgetting where I am, who I am… whether I’m Lapis or Jasper or Malachite. There’s nothing to ground me.” She stares at Pearl, eyes hard and cold. “Except you.” Lapis sighs. “I still hate you, though.”  
  
Pearl nods in understanding. “With good reason. I hurt you.”  
  
“I hurt you, too.” Lapis says and looks away, uncomfortable. 

"I should go," Pearl says softly. "I'm sorry."  
  
Pearl peels herself away but Lapis grabs her hands, tugging her down, forcing Pearl to lean over her again. “Stay,” she says. “Just for tonight.”  
  
Pearl seems unsure, but she nods, staying seated next to Lapis. Lapis tugs her closer, jostling their positions until Pearl is seated on her waist, with Lapis beneath her. They’re incredibly close. “Doesn’t this hurt?”  
  
“A little. It’s nice, though.” She can feel every shift of Pearl’s body on top of hers. She wraps arms around her neck, slowly pulls her down. Pearl doesn’t seem to protest, though they’re so close it’s enough to make her stammer and flush. The servant's arms snake under her back and pull them closer. Nervous limbs glueing to each other, to the couch beneath them. Their foreheads touch. Pearl's gem feels cool and calming.  
  
“This is ridiculous,” Pearl breathes. She laughs a little.  
  
“We used to do this,” she says. “Remember? I tried to get you to sleep. You never did, though.”  
  
“Sleeping is for royalty,” she points out. “And there’s lots to do at night. Too much time is wasted by rest.” This is the first time either of them has acknowledged their past relationship to each other. Lapis expects something different, not used to the calm that’s settled between them.  
  
“You never slow down, do you?”  
  
“I refuse to be limited.”  
  
They’re talking and she’s not having an emotional breakdown or random surges of anger. They’re just holding each other. Embarrassing, yes, but it’s soothing. After several minutes of silence, Pearl asks, “Do you still hate me?”  
  
Lapis smiles. “Of course I do.” Pearl can tell she’s lying, but Lapis is more concerned over whether or not she’s lying to herself. She’s not sure at this point. She’ll tolerate holding her like this as long as it keeps the noise in her head away.  
  
She tilts her head and their noses bump together. She can feel Pearl’s slight breath, moist against her cool skin. She thinks back to those long nights in her residence, the curtains drawn, the doors closed, holding each other like they were now. Keeping it a secret, because Pearl was unworthy of such attention. Lapis didn’t care then, and she certainly doesn’t now.  
  
Hatred is too strong a word. She’s… frustrated, perhaps. Frustrated over her many emotions on the subject of Pearl. It’s confusing. She likes the weight of Pearl pressed against her, but there’s many layers to their relationship.  
  
Lapis, to maintain some semblance of normality between them, runs a hand through her hair, gripping it tight. “What are you doing?” Pearl lays a hand over Lapis’ with a wince.  
  
“Trying to figure you out,” she says. In contrast to the tugging of her hair, her other hand frames Pearl’s cheek gently, brushing a thumb over her lips. “Trying to figure out whether I hate you or not.”  
  
“How is touching me going to accomplish that?”  
  
“Who knows?” Lapis smirks. “But it’s fun.”  
  
At dawn they separate like it never happened. But it did, and they can’t ignore it. Lapis continues to touch her. Whether she’s stroking her cheek or sliding fingers across her waist. Pearl returns the favor. She’s tentative and sweet, perhaps brushing a stray lock of hair from her eyes, or laying a comforting hand on her arm.  
  
It’s not enough, though. Lapis longs for something else. She doesn’t know what. Nights aren’t nearly unbearable, now, but she still feels like something’s missing.  
  
.~*~.  
  
Lapis hates the grip on her arm. It crushes her. The giant pulls her along, exasperated that she can’t keep up with her long strides. “Come on,” she growls. Lapis _is_ , but Jasper is a hard Gem to follow. She stifles her complaints and allows the harsh treatment until they enter the throne room.  
  
Nothing about this place seems familiar. She knows she’s been here before, but it was so long ago. A lifetime. She’s dragged down the hall by Jasper, then shoved to the ground, forced to kneel. She dares to raise her head and catch a glimpse of the majestic force in front of her. She bites down a gasp of recognition.  
  
Yellow Diamond frowns at the insolence, the gall that she has to look at her. Lapis quickly bows her head again. Her hands shake against the dark marble floor. She’s even more scared, now.  
  
“I found her by the Blue Castle ruins, your majesty,” Jasper says. “I thought it was suspicious. She seems to be an old Gem, perhaps a refugee. She claims she came from Earth.”  
  
“Interesting,” Yellow Diamond hums. “Who are you? Come, stand and speak.”  
  
Lapis rises on shaky feet. She takes a moment to compose herself before she speaks. “Lapis Lazuli,” she says. She has to modify her story, remove Steven from the tale in order to protect him. “I was trapped on Earth and I escaped… I escaped and flew here, using all my power.”  
  
“All by yourself, too. What a journey you’ve had.”  
  
Lapis nods. “Yes… I barely managed to get away, though. I was accosted by the Crystal Gems.  
  
Jasper and Yellow Diamond both look troubled at this. The queen says, “The Crystal Gems. An army?”  
  
Lapis shakes her head. “No. Just three Gems. A fusion, an Amethyst, and…” She swallows the bile in her throat, full of fury. She thinks of the nights they spent in each other’s embrace. And the even lonelier nights she spent longing for her in the mirror. “And a Pearl.”  
  
“How did you escape?”  
  
“I managed to overpower them by harnessing the planet’s ocean,” she says. She also omits the fact that she returned the ocean on Steven’s request. She refuses to say anything that may expose him or poke holes in her story.  
  
“Jasper, leave us,” Yellow Diamond instructs. The warrior does, with one last distrusting glance in Lapis’ direction. “You’ve finally decided to show your face here. That takes a lot of nerve.”  
  
Lapis looks away, clutching her arm, a weak attempt to hold her ground. She had a long time to think on her flight… a long time to remember who she was and what unfortunate circumstances landed her in the mirror in the first place. A long time to think about how the Crystal Gems (Pearl), the supposed saviors of Earth (her friend), failed to recognize she was alive in the mirror (broken but still fighting). “It doesn’t matter. No one knows who I am anymore.”  
  
“Of course. We sealed you away in the mirror to prevent the collapse of our hierarchy. Now, I’m all that keeps this empire running. I don’t need you upsetting the balance.” Yellow Diamond pinches the bridge of her nose, extremely aggravated.  
  
“I won’t cause any trouble,” Lapis says.  
  
“Of course not. You’ll get as far out of my sight as possible.” Yellow Diamond says. “This aligns perfectly with Peridot’s mission. You will return to Earth with my subordinate as her informant. Give her every bit of information you have on these Gems. Their base, their power… any trick they might have hidden up their sleeves.”  
  
No, no, no, this is not how it’s supposed to go! “B-but, I just came so far from there,” she protests. “I can’t go back!”  
  
“You can and will. This is my domain. And you’ll obey my rules.” Yellow Diamond gives her a wicked smile. “If you perform well on this job, I’ll be willing to discuss your future as a citizen of the great Diamond Empire.”  
  
Lapis flinches at the title. She can’t get a word in edgewise before Jasper is called back in and she’s dragged away.  
  
She’s made a terrible mistake, she thinks as she boards the ship. There’s nothing she can do. She’s been replaced and erased from history. The only one who knows who Lapis really is has just sent her on a suicide mission to ensure she won’t usurp the throne. Not only that, but she’s condemned Steven. Her anger about the Crystal Gems had taken over, clouding her judgement. Putting them in danger puts Steven in danger.  
  
The least Lapis can do is warn them.  
  
.~*~.  
  
Her skin is _burning_ .  
  
The air feels so cool, but as soon as she takes a breath, all she can do is scream. Everything hurts, aches horribly. Is she on fire? She can’t place it. All she knows is the heat, the fire, choking every other sensation. She screams and screams and screams.  
  
Her voice gives out a few minutes later, and all she can muster are pathetic whimpers as she collapses onto the sand. _Get up_ , a voice says. She has to move, get away, _crawl_ if that’s what will save her. But no sense of urgency can give her the strength she needs to move.  
  
Someone calls out to her. She turns her head as best she can in the direction of the voice. But her eyes can’t focus on the figure.  
  
“ _Lapis_ ! _Look out_ !”  
  
Someone grabs her by the back of her neck and shoves her head further into the sand. She coughs, so weak, trying to spit it back out. She can’t breathe. She thinks she doesn’t need to, but she _can’t_ , and that’s what scares her.  
  
“I’ll _bury_ you.”  
  
Jasper’s weight crushing her, suffocating her. She can’t remember how, but she lost control. And it has cost her dearly.  
  
The vice grip on her neck tightens. Lapis cannot feel. She cannot summon water. That’s all right, she decides. This is what Yellow Diamond sent her back for. She expected her to fail. She expected her demise.She has suffered long enough. The least she can do is finally make someone happy, and let Jasper kill her.  
  
Lapis is ready to die.  
  
And then the weight is lifted, and she can breathe, and she raises her head.  
  
A savage scream pierces her ears. The tip of her spear glints in the sunlight. She watches in flashes as Jasper gets brought to her knees, to the ground, to her gem.  
  
“If you ever-- _ever_ \-- touch her again--”  
  
“Pearl. Please.”  
  
Lapis wheezes, stretching her burning hand towards her.  
  
Pearl abandons her opponent without another thought. She drops to Lapis’ side and takes her hand, squeezes it; it burns them but they don’t care.  
  
“You came back for me,” Lapis laughs.  
  
“I’m so sorry.” Pearl’s eyes well with tears. “I’m _so_ sorry.”  
  
“You’re here.” Lapis grasps her hand like she’s dying-- she is, isn’t she? “You saved me.”  
  
Lapis lets herself succumb to weakness. She lets herself be needy in this one, fatal moment. It’s more than she deserves.  
  
.~*~.  
  
Lapis wakes up hours later. Steven is by her side. He is asleep.  
  
Lapis looks down at her hands. Her vision changes, warps, to the inside of a bubble. She is no longer herself. A buzzing in her head drowns out all her surroundings.  
  
_Let me out_ , Jasper growls.  
  
Lapis knows, now, that she will never leave. This voice will never go away. These doubts, these fears, will remain forever with them both. They are scarred. And they will hear each other’s voices until they cease to be.  
  
Lapis rips out her hair and **_screams_ ** .  
  
.~*~.  
  
Lapis knows they’ve both been stupid. They’ve both been foolish. They’ve both hurt each other. She tries to understand this, but it’s still hard. Five thousand years can’t be healed over night. And neither can the betrayal that put Steven in danger. They aren’t so much ignoring what happened, but they’ve come to terms with it. Lapis is still struggling to remain positive despite what’s happened. It’s part of the healing process, she supposes. Steven is helping plenty, organizing activities for them all, forcing them to join together and harmonize. Lapis is getting used to it. She enjoys hanging around the house and socializing for longer periods of time.  
  
She and Pearl talk almost every night. Seated close on the couch, dawdling in the kitchen, relaxing in her room. Lapis has grown so attached, always insistent on keeping her hands somewhere on Pearl. She just wants them close together. The urge for this closeness strikes more often than she would expect it to.  
  
Pearl returns the contact. Lapis coils around her and Pearl, cradling her head in her hands, tells her it’s okay even when her eyes start flickering to glass. She sees all these worlds, all these terrible things, when the humming in her head escalates to a garbled yell.  
  
“It’s probably a side effect from staying fused for so long,” Garnet says. They’re all seated at the kitchen counter. Lapis holds Pearl’s hand under the counter. “Especially when Malachite was of such violent nature. There’s no telling just how this could all afflict you. Or when it will go away.”  
  
Lapis scratches her head. “I keep hearing this noise in my head. It’s like… a blast of static. It’s almost another voice. It’s not as bad as it used to be, but… I feel like it’s always lingering, like it’s… _real_ , and waiting for me to let my guard down.”  
  
She avoids everyone’s eyes. Pearl grasps her hand tighter, rubbing her thumb over the back of her hand.  
  
“Hey, you’re safe with us,” Steven says, patting Lapis’ shoulder. “Nothing gets past me!”  
  
Amethyst nods. “Yeah. As long as you’re here, we’ll make sure nothing happens to you.”  
  
Pearl nods in silence, lacing their fingers together. Her actions are enough to confirm she feels the same.  
  
Lapis feels warm. She feels a sense of home.  
  
.~*~.  
  
For once, it’s not night. Steven is at a friend’s house. Garnet and Amethyst are on a mission. Pearl and Lapis are on the couch. Lapis is seated in her lap, head buried in the crook of her neck, inhaling her scent. This is what she loves, being surrounded by her.  
  
Pearl stops suddenly, pulling Lapis off her. She looks as though she’s trying to remember something. “Wait,” she says. There’s a small smile on her face and her hands drift to the gem on her forehead. “Close your eyes.”  
  
Lapis thinks it’s silly but she does as instructed.  
  
Something soft and woolly wraps around her shoulders. Pearl’s touch lingers, toying with the cloth, pinning it in place. Lapis knows what it is before she opens her eyes and she laughs. “You’re so sentimental.”  
  
The dark blue shawl, bespeckled with gold, is still warm and comforting as she remembers it when wrapped around her after long nights in the fountain. A fond smile lights Pearl’s face. “Of course, I-”  
  
“I don’t hate you,” Lapis blurts, cutting her off.  
  
Pearl stops, looking confused. “What?”  
  
“I said… I don’t hate you.” She pulls the garment tighter around her.  
  
To her surprise, Pearl laughs. She tilts her chin, grasping it between index finger and thumb. “I know. I don’t hate you, either.”  
  
Pearl leans in the same time Lapis stands on her toes, both of equal mind to kiss each other. But their noses bump harshly and they wince. Lapis covers her face and starts to snicker. Pearl’s composure breaks as she starts to giggle as well. Their romantics dissolve into laughter, and somehow, it’s even sweeter than passion.  
  
.~*~.  
  
Lapis is afraid. She’s afraid she’s too invested. She’s afraid she cares more about Pearl than Pearl does about her. She’s spent so long on her own, but for some reason, the idea of being alone after all she’s been through, after all she did to get where she is now, is nothing short of unbearable.  
  
Of course, it’s night again. A dull noise echoes in her head. She stares at the shadow of the moon through the screen door. Footsteps catch her attention.  
  
“Is everything all right?”  
  
“No.” Pearl sits down and holds out her hand for comfort. Lapis groans and shakes her head. “That’s the problem!”  
  
“I don’t follow.”  
  
“I don’t know, Pearl! I feel like I’m just… making you do this! Like I’m ordering you around or something. Like you… you’re only doing it because I ask you, and not because you want to!”  
  
“Lapis-”  
  
The murmur in her head amplifies and she lets out a slow sigh. “And I-” She chokes on her words. She tries to say something. Anything.  
  
She starts crying.  
  
She sinks to the floor. Pearl kneels beside her. “Hey,” she whispers. “Hey, come on, Lapis. Talk to me.”  
  
Lapis cries harder. “I'm not-”  
  
“Not what?”  
  
Lapis can't breathe. “I'm not-”  
  
“What? What is it?”  
  
She's not weak enough to let her guard down. She's not strong enough to let anyone in. She doesn't think she's stable enough to love anyone, to be loved. She's stuck between a limbo of love and hate, trust and paranoia. She's not decisive enough to do anything about it. She's too much of a coward to recognize her own hurt, that she needs help, that her emotions, anger and sadness and despair from all she's suffered, are valid. She's too focused on the bad she's done from being hurt and scared and forced into submission.  
  
She's _tired_ .  
  
“I'm just not, I-” Lapis heaves a breath. “I'm not a good person.”  
  
Pearl sounds incredulous when she asks, “Why? Why aren't you a good person?”  
  
Snot drips down her nose. “Because, I-I’m a bad friend. I don't… I'm. I'm bad.” She can't get out anymore than that, dissolves into another round of quiet groans.  
  
Pearl shakes her head. “How can you think you're not a good friend?” She takes Lapis’ hands in her own and she whimpers. “You care so much about Steven. About us, even. About me.”  
  
Lapis sniffles.  
  
Pearl leads her to the kitchen and gives her tissues. She's an absolute mess; she hides her face with her cupped hands until she can clean up.  
  
Pearl gives Lapis time to calm before she asks her anything. “Are you okay?”  
  
A shake of her head.  
  
“Are you angry with me?”  
  
A vehement ‘no’.  
  
She is, but she isn't. She understands them both too well not to be angry, but at the same time, knows every angle and perspective and just _why_ everything is how it is. She's angry. She's empathetic. She's lots of things.  
  
Lapis drags a hand through her hair. “I'm so sick of crying all the time.”  
  
“You hardly ever cry.”  
  
“But it feels… It feels like I do. Like I'm just always sad, no matter what. And…” Lapis doesn't want to keep talking. But she needs to. She needs this. “Being sad… Telling anyone how I feel… it’s wrong, it's just manipulating them into feeling bad for me.”  
  
Pearl is aghast. “Lapis-”  
  
“I know it's not right! I know that's not how it is! I know you want to support me, I know this is what friends are for! But… I can't helping thinking that, no matter what. And it's just… awful.”  
  
Pearl takes a step toward her when Lapis lets her. She grabs her hands, gentle, gives them a squeeze. Lapis looks away. Their foreheads touch.  
  
“Listen to me. I know you won't believe this. I know it will take time to. But I mean every word of it.”  
  
Lapis is breathless.  
  
“I am here for you. I want you to tell me how you feel. Whether it's happy or sad. I want to help you, Lapis. I want you to be happy and feel safe no matter what. I know it's hard to listen to. To talk about. I know exactly what you're going through. Sometimes, it's hard for me to believe it, too.”  
  
Lapis finally gets the nerve to look her in the eye.  


“You are amazing. You are one of my closest friends. Every time I feel down, your jokes bring me right back up. You bring everyone here so much joy. Believe me when I say this.”  
  
Lapis’ eyes are starting to sting with tears again.

“The world would be so much darker without you.”


End file.
